Coming Home Is a Transition Too

After a week on the road, there is nothing I enjoy more than finally coming home to my beautiful wife, who drops everything to make sure I feel welcome and well taken care of, a clean house, and wonderful children who have obeyed perfectly all week and will continue to do so now that I’m home.

What, you don’t believe me?

Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little.

The truth is that the transition back home isn’t always smooth.

The stress from work that follows you home, the stress of being the spouse who had to hold down the fort and might be dealing with their own work, kids who, well, are kids, and everything else in between might mean that your picture-perfect reunion feels like it never evolves beyond a fairy tale.

So what can you do to make coming home a day of enjoyment instead of a transition one or both of you dread?

It starts with expectations

This one is probably the hardest for me.

I’m naturally a dreamer with a big imagination, and throughout much of my life, a big over-thinker.

Because of this, I often imagine scenarios in my brain ahead of time, for better or worse.

The upside is that it helps me prepare for situations ahead of time, like tough conversations, important decisions, or how I might respond if something doesn’t go according to plan.

I can think through different possibilities, anticipate problems, and feel a little more prepared before I ever walk into the situation.

The downside of my imaginative brain is that I very often have unrealistic expectations about what come-home day will look like.

When I’ve been gone for several days, I’ve had plenty of time to think about being home.

I picture walking through the door to excited kids, quality time with my wife, a relaxing evening together, and finally settling back into normal life.

In my head, coming home feels like the finish line.

The problem is that while I’ve been imagining that moment, life at home hasn’t stopped.

My wife may be coming off several days of carrying responsibilities that we normally share.

The kids may be tired, cranky, or completely uninterested in cooperating with the picture I’ve created in my head.

There may be dishes in the sink, laundry that needs folded, appointments on the calendar, or a dozen other things that need attention.

And while I may be thinking, I’m finally home; I can relax, my wife may understandably be thinking, You’re finally home; I can finally have some help.

Neither expectation is necessarily selfish or unreasonable.

The problem is that they are completely different expectations of the exact same day.

And when those expectations are never communicated, it becomes incredibly easy to interpret disappointment as something personal.

I can feel like my family isn’t excited that I’m home.

My wife can feel like I came home expecting to be taken care of after she just spent the week taking care of everyone else.

In reality, neither of us may have done anything wrong.

We simply walked into the day with two different pictures of how it was supposed to go.

That is why I’ve learned that a healthy homecoming often starts before I ever walk through the door.

It starts with communicating what each of us needs and, maybe even more importantly, being willing to let go of the version of come-home day that I already wrote in my head.

The rhythm at home didn't stop

One of the things that can be easy to forget when you're the one traveling is that the rhythm of your home didn't pause when you left.

It couldn't.

Everyone still had to get up in the morning; kids still had to be fed; dishes still had to be washed; bedtime still had to happen; and life had to keep moving.

So while you've been developing a rhythm on the road, your spouse has been developing a rhythm at home.

When I'm traveling, I get used to making decisions almost entirely around my own schedule, whereas at home, the opposite is true.

My wife has had to figure out how to make everything work without me there.

Maybe bedtime looks different.

Maybe meals are simpler.

Maybe certain chores get pushed to another day.

Then I come home.

Suddenly, the rhythm I've gotten used to on the road and the rhythm my family has gotten used to at home have to become one rhythm again.

That's a transition.

It's tempting to walk through the door and expect to immediately take my old place back.

But sometimes being helpful means paying attention before jumping in.

Instead of assuming that everything should go back to exactly how it worked before I left, I need to recognize that my family found a way to function while I was gone.

The goal isn't for me to take over the rhythm she created, or for her to continue living as though I'm still gone.

It's for us to find our rhythm together again.

Intimacy doesn't always pick up where you left off

Another area that can take some adjustment when coming home is intimacy.

After several days apart, you may be more than ready to reconnect with your spouse, both emotionally and physically.

But just because you've been missing each other doesn't mean you'll both be ready to reconnect in the same way or at the same time.

This is another place where expectations can get us into trouble.

The spouse who's been away may have spent days looking forward to finally being alone together.

Meanwhile, the spouse at home may be exhausted, touched-out from the kids, or still mentally carrying everything they've been responsible for while you were gone.

That doesn't mean they didn't miss you.

It doesn't mean they're not excited you're home.

It may simply mean they need some time to transition from surviving the week to being fully present with you again.

Intimacy is bigger than sex.

Sometimes reconnecting starts with sitting together on the couch, talking about the week, putting the kids to bed together, or simply being close again without expecting anything more from each other.

Do not underestimate the power of non-sexual physical touch.

Being intentional about physical intimacy is important in marriage, especially when work regularly keeps you apart.

But so is giving each other the grace and space to reconnect.

Sometimes the best thing we can do for our intimacy is stop expecting it to happen on our timeline.

On the topic of sex, having a traveling spouse in the marriage can either be the best thing that happens for your sex life or destroy it completely—the choice is yours together.

Be sure to reference our other intimacy resources to learn how to use the travel dynamic in your marriage to cultivate rewarding, exciting intimacy—both physical and emotional.

Give yourselves time to come home

Coming home is one of my favorite parts of traveling for work, but I've had to learn that walking through the front door doesn't mean the transition is over.

In a lot of ways, it's just beginning.

You may come home with expectations that don't match your spouse's.

The rhythm of your home may have changed while you were gone.

You may both be longing for intimacy while needing to reconnect in completely different ways.

None of that means something is wrong with your marriage.

It means you've spent time apart, and becoming "us" again can take a little intentionality.

So communicate before you get home.

Ask your spouse what they need from you, and tell them what you need too.

Pay attention to the rhythm your family found while you were away.

Give each other grace when come-home day doesn't look quite like either of you imagined.

That picture-perfect reunion I described at the beginning?

I'm still probably going to imagine it every time I'm on my way home.

But I'm learning that a good homecoming doesn't have to be perfect.

The goal isn't to walk through the door and immediately pick up exactly where we left off.

The goal is to come back together and grow as a unit.

Every day you wake up, you are slowly becoming a new version of yourself.

The Kandice that I married on our wedding day is now a completely different Kandice.

I am completely different.

Our marriage is completely different.

You can be sad about change, or enjoy the excitement of choosing to become more one every day of your lives.

The joy comes in learning to grow together.

The distance may change your rhythm, but it doesn't have to change the fact that you're a team.

Keep learning, keep communicating, and keep choosing to grow as a unit.