Emotional Affairs Can Start Small

Most emotional affairs do not begin with someone deciding to have an affair.

They begin small.

A conversation that goes a little deeper than it needed to.

A text that becomes something you look forward to.

A friendship that starts feeling different.

A person you begin turning to when you are frustrated, lonely, excited, or simply wanting someone to talk to.

Nothing may seem inappropriate at first.

That is what makes emotional affairs so dangerous.

The problem is not usually one enormous decision.

It is a series of small decisions that gradually allow another person into a place that should belong only to your spouse.

For couples who regularly spend time apart because of work travel, those opportunities can increase.

One spouse may be spending nights alone at home while the other is in hotels, airports, workplaces, restaurants, or unfamiliar cities.

Both spouses interact with other people throughout their days, often without their spouse physically present.

That does not mean an emotional affair is inevitable.

But it does mean we believe guarding our marriage requires intentionality.

We Don't Wait Until Something Feels Wrong

Kandice and I have practical boundaries in our marriage that we have intentionally established.

Some people may consider some of them overly cautious.

That's okay.

We would rather put a boundary ten feet before the cliff than try to figure out how close we can stand to the edge without falling.

One of the biggest principles behind our boundaries is simple:

We do not keep secrets from each other.

We both have full access to each other's phones, social media accounts, messages, and everything else.

Neither of us has any part of our digital life that the other does not know about.

The point is not surveillance.

The point is that there is nothing to hide.

We also do not privately maintain communication with someone of the opposite sex without the other spouse knowing about it and, when appropriate, being included.

Again, the goal is not to assume that every interaction between a man and woman is dangerous.

It is to remove secrecy and exclusivity—the two environments where inappropriate emotional connections can grow unnoticed.

We are removing the possibility of excitement forming over secrecy.

If a friendship needs to be hidden from your spouse, minimized when your spouse asks about it, or protected from your spouse's involvement, something is already wrong.

Boundaries Matter Even When Nothing Is Happening

When I am traveling, Kandice does not have another man over to our house when no other adults are present.

That boundary does not change simply because our children are home.

It would be easy to say, "The kids are here, so obviously nothing inappropriate could happen."

But physical infidelity is not the only concern.

Emotional affairs can be seeded with children sitting in the next room.

A long conversation on the couch can still become emotionally intimate.

You can still begin sharing things you should be sharing with your spouse.

You can still leave thinking about how understood you felt or how much you enjoyed that conversation.

The same principle applies to me while I am traveling.

Because I am a pilot, there are times when I am paired to fly with a woman, and we spend necessary one-on-one time together in the flight deck.

I cannot—and do not need to—avoid every interaction with women.

The boundary is not never be around another woman.

The boundary is do not cultivate unnecessary intimacy with another woman.

So I intentionally keep those conversations work-relevant, or intentionally light and surface-level.

We can talk about work, our families, where we are going, sports, food, travel, or a hundred other normal topics.

What I intentionally avoid is digging into deeply personal emotional territory.

I do not need to become another woman's confidant.

I do not need to hear all about the problems in her marriage.

I do not need to tell her all of my struggles.

I do not need to become the person she feels most understood by.

And she does not need to become that person for me.

Because emotional intimacy is still intimacy.

Your Spouse Should Not Be Replaced

One of the best defenses against an inappropriate emotional connection outside your marriage is to build a strong emotional connection within it.

We have said before that communication is a perishable skill.

If you stop practicing it, you get worse at it.

That is especially important for couples who spend considerable time apart.

Have deep conversations with your spouse.

Tell them what you are thinking about.

Tell them what you are worried about.

Tell them what made you laugh.

Tell them what you are excited about.

Talk about faith.

Talk about your marriage.

Talk about your fears.

Talk about your goals.

Talk about the stupid little thing that happened during your day that probably does not matter to anyone else.

Have inside jokes.

Keep sharing your heart with one another.

Because one of the warning signs of an emotional affair is that someone else gradually begins receiving the parts of you that your spouse used to receive.

You have a difficult day, and they are the person you want to tell.

Something exciting happens, and they are the first person who comes to mind.

You are struggling with something, and you wonder what they would say about it.

Eventually, you may still be married to your spouse while emotionally living part of your life with someone else.

Pay Attention to the Butterflies

Sometimes we make conversations about emotional affairs unnecessarily complicated.

There are moments when your own emotions are already telling you what is happening.

We’re going to say this very clearly: your body will tell you if you’ve gone too far.

If you start getting butterflies, escape immediately.

Think about the beginning of your relationship with your spouse.

You probably remember what it felt like when their name appeared on your phone.

You looked forward to seeing them.

You found excuses to talk to them.

You replayed conversations in your head.

You wondered when you would hear from them again.

There was a little rush when they walked into the room.

That feeling had a purpose when you were falling in love with the person who would become your spouse.

It should alarm you when you begin experiencing it with someone else.

If someone of the opposite sex is regularly making you giddy because they texted you, wake up.

If you are inventing reasons to send them a message, wake up.

If you find yourself wondering when you are going to see them again, wake up.

If you are unusually excited about working with them, talking to them, or being around them, wake up.

If something happens during your day and you immediately think, I can't wait to tell them, wake up.

If you are carefully checking your phone hoping their name appears, wake up.

You do not need to wait until something physical happens before admitting that a boundary has been crossed.

In our view, if you are beginning to experience the same kinds of feelings you had when you and your spouse first started dating, you have already gone too far.

This does not mean you’ve destroyed your marriage.

It means it is time to confess to your spouse and cut off feeding that connection.

Don't Ask How Far You Can Go

There is a dangerous question people sometimes ask about boundaries:

"But is this technically wrong?"

Maybe the text was not sexual.

Maybe you never touched each other.

Maybe you have never said that you have feelings for one another.

Maybe every individual interaction could be explained away.

That does not necessarily mean the relationship is healthy.

A better question is:

What direction is this taking my heart?

Is this person becoming more emotionally important to me?

Am I giving them attention that should be directed toward my spouse?

Would I behave differently if my spouse were standing beside me?

Would I be uncomfortable if my spouse read the entire conversation?

Am I sharing something with this person that I have not shared with my spouse?

Do I enjoy the fact that this person seems attracted to me?

Am I beginning to protect this relationship when my spouse expresses concern?

The danger often appears in the pattern long before it manifests in a single obviously inappropriate moment.

Your Marriage Deserves Strong Boundaries

We are not suggesting that every married couple must adopt every boundary exactly as we have.

But every married couple should have boundaries.

And those boundaries should be established before you need them.

Do not wait until there is already chemistry with a coworker to decide how much one-on-one time is appropriate.

Do not wait until someone starts sending you personal messages late at night to decide what kinds of conversations belong outside your marriage.

Do not wait until your spouse becomes uncomfortable with a friendship to decide whether they deserve transparency.

Talk about these things while everything is good.

Decide together what guarding your marriage looks like.

Give one another permission to speak up when something feels uncomfortable.

And when your spouse raises a concern, do not immediately become defensive.

Your friendship with another person should never take precedence over your spouse's sense of security in your marriage.

Always trust your spouse’s instincts

You may not agree with this part either, but we are unapologetic about it.

Trust your spouse’s instincts.

If my wife tells me that she feels my relationship with another woman is beginning to cross emotional boundaries, I will take my wife’s side every single time.

Even if I disagree with her assessment.

Even if I think the friendship is completely innocent.

Even if the other person has never said or done anything obviously inappropriate.

And even if protecting my marriage means cutting off that relationship completely.

My wife should never have to compete with another woman for my loyalty.

If Kandice tells me that a relationship is making her uncomfortable, my first instinct should not be to defend the other person.

It should be to protect my wife and our marriage.

That does not mean every concern automatically proves that something inappropriate has happened.

Sometimes your spouse may notice something before you do.

They may hear a change in the way you talk about someone, notice how often that person's name comes up, or recognize an emotional attachment you have been too close to see clearly.

And even if your spouse ultimately misunderstands the situation, ask yourself what you are actually being asked to sacrifice.

If preserving a friendship with another woman requires me to repeatedly tell my wife, “You're overreacting,” “You don't understand our relationship,” or “You're just going to have to trust me,” I need to seriously reconsider which relationship I am protecting.

There are very few friendships worth creating insecurity in your marriage over.

Of course, we are talking here about a healthy marriage between two people who genuinely want what is best for one another. We are not suggesting that someone should willingly submit to coercive, isolating, or dangerously controlling behavior. A spouse who attempts to cut you off from family, friends, work, support systems, or anyone they perceive as a threat—especially through intimidation, manipulation, threats, or fear—is an entirely different situation. If you are in spiritual, emotional, or physical danger, get out and get help.

Only after that should you consider reconnecting.

Healthy marital boundaries are mutual.

They are not about one spouse controlling the other.

They are about two people voluntarily choosing to protect something they both value.

In a healthy marriage, your spouse's concern should matter deeply precisely because they know you so well and have so much invested in your relationship.

So if your spouse says, “Something about this relationship doesn't feel right to me,” do not dismiss it simply because you cannot see the problem yet.

Listen.

Talk about it.

Take their concern seriously.

And be willing to choose your marriage over a relationship you never needed in the first place.

Your spouse should never have to wonder whether you will choose them when someone else starts getting too close.

Keep the Best Parts for Each Other

Your spouse should be the person of the opposite sex you get giddy over.

The person you flirt with.

The person whose name you are excited to see on your phone.

The person you cannot wait to talk to.

The person you want to tell when something great happens.

The person you turn to when something hurts.

The person who knows what is really going on inside your heart.

Marriage does not stay that way automatically.

You have to keep choosing it.

Keep talking.

Keep flirting.

Keep dating each other.

Keep telling each other the small things.

Keep having the deep conversations.

Keep building the kind of friendship with your spouse that you would be devastated to accidentally build with somebody else.

Because emotional affairs can start small.

So can guarding your marriage.

A shared password.

An honest conversation.

A boundary you decide not to cross.

A text to your spouse instead of someone else.

A decision to walk away from a connection that is beginning to feel too close.

Those small choices matter.

The goal is not to live afraid that every interaction could threaten your marriage.

The goal is to value your marriage enough that you do not casually give pieces of it away.

Choose each other.

Grow as 1 unit.