How to Stay Connected When Work Keeps You Apart
Work travel creates a strange tension in marriage.
You can be completely committed to one another, deeply in love, and still feel the effects of living portions of your life in different places.
One spouse may be moving through airports, hotels, meetings, or long workdays, while the other is managing the routines of home, their own job, kids, errands, meals, and everything else that keeps life moving.
The distance itself is not always the hardest part.
Sometimes, it is the feeling that your lives are happening separately.
One of the most important things we have learned in our own marriage is that staying connected while we're apart requires more than simply checking in at the end of the day.
It means intentionally continuing to share life with one another, even when we are not physically in the same place.
Keep Each Other in the Know
(Kandice) - When Matt is away for work, I regularly text him with just about everything I do during the day.
Even if it is as simple as "I'm running to Walmart. I love you!"
Those ordinary updates matter.
We share our locations with each other, so technically we could always look and see where the other person is.
But knowing someone's location is not the same thing as being included in their life.
An intentional text says something different.
It says, I want you to know what is happening here. You are still part of this day with me. I'm choosing to communicate that you are just as much a part of this family when you're gone as you are when you're home.
(Matthew) - As the person who is away from home, these intentional check-ins remind me that even though I'm gone, Kandice is choosing to involve me.
We believe marriage is about operating as one unit.
Although we are two distinct people, in marriage we have promised to live as one.
It is far too easy to become separate when one of you is on the road traveling.
The danger in this lies in the return home.
If you become accustomed to operating separately while gone, you will eventually begin doing so in your day-to-day life at home, making it easier to start living as roommates instead of covenant partners.
I provide Kandice with the same updates when I am traveling.
Where I’m going, what my day looks like, when plans change, or what I’m doing between work obligations all become part of the ongoing conversation between us.
The goal is not to report every movement or to monitor one another in a controlling way.
It is simply to resist the tendency for two separate routines to slowly become two separate lives.
When you keep one another in the know, you communicate something deeper than information:
Even though we are not together, we are still one.
Make Communication Intentional
Regular phone and video calls have also become an important tool that we use to stay emotionally connected.
There is a difference between calling because you feel obligated and calling because you genuinely want to share life together.
Sometimes that means a longer conversation at the end of the day.
Sometimes it is a quick video call when five minutes are free.
Not every call has to be deep.
Sometimes it is simply hearing each other's voice for a few minutes between everything else going on.
I regularly operate through abnormally stressful situations in the flight deck, and hearing Kandice’s voice in small moments throughout the day brings me a warmth that only she can bring.
Much of marriage is built in ordinary conversation.
What happened today?
What did the kids do?
What frustrated you?
What made you laugh?
What are you thinking about?
Those conversations may seem small, but they preserve familiarity.
They help prevent the traveling spouse from becoming a visitor to life at home and the spouse at home from feeling disconnected from the world of the traveler.
These conversations provide much more than information.
Every call is the two of you practicing communication.
We have seen far too many couples that we are ministering to admit that they do not know how to talk to each other anymore.
Beyond the passing hello and goodbye, past the need-to-know information for daily life, many marriages have lost communication altogether.
This trap is even easier to fall into when you don’t spend every night together.
Daily phone calls in the middle of the trip not only bring connection, but they also help you keep communication alive.
Send the picture.
Tell them what you had for lunch.
Mention the ridiculous thing that happened at work.
Laugh over the funny thing one of the kids said.
Talk about the frustrating grocery-store trip or the delayed flight.
The mundane parts of life are often the very things that create closeness.
Communication is a perishable skill. Practice it intentionally.
Create Routines You Can Count On
Consistency can also bring a sense of stability to a marriage affected by travel.
Every couple's routine will look different.
Maybe you always talk before bed.
Maybe you video call during breakfast.
Maybe there is a certain part of the day when you know you will check in.
Maybe you pray together before hanging up each night.
The routine itself is less important than the message behind it:
No matter where today takes us, we are going to make space for each other.
Pick a routine and try it.
We recommend something that can be done at home and while away.
This way, the days apart will feel just a little bit more like the days together.
Travel schedules are not always predictable, so the routine may need to be flexible.
That is okay.
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is intentionality.
When both spouses know that connection is a priority, even an imperfect routine can become something reassuring to look forward to.
Stay Spiritually Connected Too
For couples who want to prioritize Jesus in their marriage, physical distance does not have to mean spiritual distance.
Praying for one another and praying together can become an especially meaningful way to remain united while apart.
You may not be able to sit beside one another at the end of the day, but you can still bring the same fears, needs, gratitude, and hopes before God.
Sometimes prayer will be long and thoughtful.
Other times it may be simple and short before saying goodnight.
Just like we said with communication, so also every prayer is practice.
If you only pray together when you are physically present with each other, it is easier to slowly stop doing it at all.
Remember that you are one unit, and keeping Jesus as the head of that unit requires intentionality.
Prayer has a way of moving a conversation beyond logistics.
Instead of only discussing schedules, responsibilities, and what needs to happen tomorrow, you are reminded to ask:
How are you really doing?
What are you carrying?
What do you need from me?
What do we need from God?
Might I add, prayer brings a level of intimacy that other emotional connections cannot.
Pursue your own relationship with Jesus. Pursue your spouse. Pray together often.
Enjoy the Journey as a Team
Work may require you to spend time apart, but it does not have to make you strangers to each other's lives.
Keep calling.
Keep sending the small updates.
Keep sharing the ordinary moments.
Keep praying together.
Keep finding little ways to remind your spouse, You are still part of my day. I am still choosing you.
Distance becomes much harder when each spouse begins living a life the other person only hears about later.
But when you intentionally keep inviting one another in, something different happens.
Even from hundreds or thousands of miles away, you are still building a shared life.
Life is a journey, and you are one team.
Enjoy the journey together.
Laugh at the little things.
Hold hands.
Kiss.
Choose each other again and again, whether you are across the room or across the country.
And remember what being a team means when life gets difficult.
When conflict comes, your spouse is not your enemy.
The goal of disagreement is not for one of you to win and the other to lose.
You are on the same side.
Work may put miles between you, but those miles do not have to divide you.
You may be apart, but you are still doing life together.
You are a team. You are one.
