Stop Comparing Who Has It Harder

One of the lessons we learned very early in our marriage was this: comparing who has it harder gets us nowhere.

When work keeps one spouse away from home, it can become incredibly easy to keep score.

The spouse at home can look at the traveling spouse and think, You have no idea what it is like here.

The traveling spouse can look back and think, You have no idea what my days are like either.

And both of those statements might be completely true.

When I’m gone flying, Kandice is taking care of our home and three little kids without me there. She is handling meals, baths, bedtime, discipline, messes, schedules, meltdowns, appointments, laundry, cleaning, and about a hundred other things that happen throughout the day. There are times when she hardly gets a moment to herself.

That is hard.

At the same time, my job can be hard too. There are early mornings, late nights, long duty days, missed moments at home, constantly changing schedules, and the responsibility that comes with flying some of the wealthiest people in the world.

That is hard too.

But here is what we have learned:

Trying to determine which one is harder is a complete waste of energy.

When You Keep Score, You Both Lose

Marriage was never supposed to be a competition.

But scorekeeping can sneak into a marriage without either spouse realizing it.

I changed the diapers all day.

Yeah, but I worked twelve hours.

I was up with the kids last night.

Yeah, but I had to get up at four this morning.

You got to eat dinner by yourself.

You got to sleep in your own bed.

Back and forth it goes.

Eventually, you are no longer trying to understand your spouse. You are building a case for why you deserve more sympathy than they do.

And there is no winning that argument.

Even if you somehow convince your spouse that your day was harder, what exactly have you gained?

Your spouse feels unseen.

You feel resentful.

And now two people who are supposed to be teammates are standing on opposite sides of the room comparing burdens.

When you keep score in marriage, you both lose.

Your Spouse’s Struggle Does Not Minimize Yours

This is something we have had to remind ourselves of many times.

Acknowledging that Kandice has a difficult job does not mean my job is easy.

Acknowledging that my job is exhausting does not mean staying home with three kids is easy.

Both things can be true at the same time.

Sometimes we treat empathy like there is only a limited amount available. We are afraid that if we admit our spouse has it hard, somehow that means we are admitting that we do not.

But marriage does not require us to rank suffering.

It requires us to care about the person experiencing it.

If Kandice tells me she had an exhausting day, my first response does not need to be a description of how exhausting my day was.

And when I tell her that I am worn out after a long day of flying, she does not need to remind me how many tantrums happened at home.

Sometimes the best response is simply:

“That sounds really hard. How can I help?”

Don't Compete for Rest

One of the places scorekeeping becomes especially dangerous is when both spouses are tired.

The traveling spouse comes home thinking, I’ve been working and traveling for days. I desperately need to rest.

The spouse at home thinks, You’ve been gone for days. I desperately need a break.

And once again, both may be right.

The problem comes when we begin arguing about who has earned rest more.

Instead of asking, Who deserves a break? we have learned to ask, How can we take care of each other?

Maybe I come home exhausted, but Kandice has been carrying the house by herself for several days. There may be times when loving her means I put my suitcase down and immediately take over with the kids for a while.

There may also be times when Kandice recognizes that I just finished an exhausting trip and encourages me to rest before jumping back into everything at home.

The exact answer will look different from day to day.

The principle stays the same:

We aren't trying to make sure everything is perfectly even. We are trying to make sure the other person is cared for.

Marriage Is Not 50/50

People sometimes describe marriage as 50/50.

We don't think that is a very helpful picture.

Because 50/50 still sounds like a contract.

I'll do my half if you do yours.

I'll give this much because you gave that much.

I did the dishes, so you handle bedtime.

There is certainly nothing wrong with dividing responsibilities. Every household has to do that.

But the heart behind a biblical marriage should be very different.

Instead of constantly asking, “Am I doing more than my spouse?”

We want to ask:

“How can I serve my spouse today?”

Jesus consistently turned the world's understanding of greatness upside down. Greatness in His kingdom is connected to service, humility, and putting others ahead of ourselves.

Paul writes:

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
— Philippians 2:3–4

Imagine what happens when both spouses actually try to live that way.

Not two people fighting over who has done more.

Two people looking for opportunities to carry something for the other.

Try to Out-Serve Each Other

This has become one of the principles we want to define our marriage:

Try to out-serve each other.

Not because we're actually keeping track.

In fact, that's the whole point.

There is no scoreboard.

I want to look for ways to make Kandice's life easier because I love her.

She wants to look for ways to make my life easier because she loves me.

Sometimes that means doing something when you are tired.

Sometimes it means taking a responsibility that technically wasn't yours.

Sometimes it means letting your spouse sleep.

Sometimes it means handling bedtime.

Sometimes it means unpacking a suitcase, doing the dishes, making dinner, giving the other person an hour alone, or simply recognizing that your spouse has reached their limit.

And sometimes serving your spouse simply means listening without immediately telling them why you have it harder.

A healthy marriage isn't two people demanding to be served.

It is two people continually asking:

“What can I take off your plate?”

You're on the Same Team

Work travel already creates enough separation.

There is physical distance. Different schedules. Different responsibilities. Different frustrations.

Don't create emotional distance by turning those differences into a competition.

Your spouse is not your opponent.

Their exhaustion does not invalidate yours.

Their difficult day does not mean yours wasn't difficult.

Their need for help does not mean your needs do not matter.

You are on the same team.

So stop trying to decide who has it harder.

Put the scoreboard away.

Listen to each other.

Believe each other when one of you says you're struggling.

Look for opportunities to serve.

Because the goal of marriage isn't to prove that you carry the heavier load.

The goal is to help carry each other's.

Choose each other.

Grow as a unit.